In March 2020, I left a high paying job at a premier school on the pretext furthering my education in the field of Psychology. As Coronavirus hit the world, countries, especially educational institutes had to make some crucial policy level decisions for conducting large scale competitive exams.
The degree that I wanted to pursue also required us to sit through a national level competitive exam. So, all college postponed their exam dates and I saw this opportunity as a blessing in disguise. I judiciously used my time and energy for preparation. Between March to August, that's six months, I studied for 7-8 hours every day. My days would start with practising previous year question papers and end with revising each and every concept known to the subject of psychology. Even my fantasies were filled with starting a new chapter of life sitting at the desk of my dream college. Studying all the time especially during the pandemic where you cannot go out, meet people becomes even more difficult. You are essentially just sitting in one room of your house, going out of that room for food, water and on some days for a walk.
After almost 5 months, gradually, colleges began conducting competitive exams using remote testing services. I was happy to get done with the difficult part and begin a life I had been dreaming about. When the exams finally began happening, I truly believed that I deserve a seat at one of the premier institutes because I put in the hard work. In my mind, I had thoughts like "I, of all the people, deserve this opportunity because I have done nothing else except study for these exams", "I have gone beyond my personal limits to study for this exam, for that one seat at a premier institute- thus I deserve it, my hard work will pay off".
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| Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash |
After a few devastating days filled with existential questions - I read about Heaven's Reward Fallacy.
Heaven's Reward Fallacy is an erroneous way of thinking wherein the person believes that s/he should always behave in the "right" way if they want any positive experiences in their life - be it love from others, success etc. It is a belief which makes you think that- "If I do all the great things in the world, the universe will reward me", "If I put in the hard work, a life force, a universe will pay me".
It is this thinking pattern that I fell prey to and a lot of you who might end up reading this article may have. I strongly believed that because I am putting in the hard work, the universe will reward me by providing me with a seat at a premier university. If you really think about it, a lot of hard-working people that you know in your life, are only pushing themselves because of the same belief. Who told you that your hard work will be paid off? Is the Universe keeping a scorebook for all the sacrifices, hardships you've made? - this is the point where the realization hit me. I understood that if I kept thinking this way, it is a recipe for disaster. My hard work should not be driven by the reward but also about what I achieve along the way. The universe does have plenty of good things in store for me but I need to unlearn the fact that just because I have put in a certain amount hard work, there would be something miraculous waiting for me. Life is not always fair. It will not always turn out to be like a fairytale. At the end of the day, I think it is only by hitting bumpy roads that you are forced to think about life, your goals and the direction you want to take.
Learnings
I will put in Hard Work to grow, to learn, to achieve better and most importantly to become a better version of myself.
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